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Maybe - ramblings:

Oct. 22nd, 2003

06:07 am - Maybe

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The bitter breeze seems fueled by shadow
I take in the foul, salty air
Once a comfort
Now barely tolerable
This sea held such promise last spring
I rarely visit anymore
What was once my living postcard
Has been withered to a rancid, freezing, bland escape
The rotten egg we painted so nice
But never ate

Maybe I just blame it for not being part
Of the fairytale I created that morning in carmel
That perpetuated, distorted
Grew
To an unbelievable opportunity
That last month I lived in a basement
With red shelves and 3 closets

Maybe I have to realize
some games should be left to schoolyards
(I swear someday I'll go on my own, no walls needing broken
and quit finding the perfect spot for someone
to find me in
when no one's even looking)

Or maybe
Just maybe
I'm tired of pretty things
Grown weary of staring at this ocean
That I don't want to swim in
Maybe I hate the way this damn sand feels
How it invades every part of me
And never keeps the secrets i etch into it
How it's all so fucking beautiful
And every goddamned year thousands
Maybe millions
Of I don't even know what come to see
This vast, pungent beast
And the spineless counterfeit it conquers daily
The eternal struggle between something so breath-taking
No one gives a fuck who it's killed
Or the poisons it shelters
Or that it's frigid and stings
And
The countless particles
Each ditto-ing the next
dying, molding, hiding, pretending
Satisfied with being beautiful by association
and trampled on

Maybe even the indescribable shades of pink
Highlighting the death of the sun tonight
Wouldn't be so vibrant without pollution

Maybe we have to defeat everything we love more than ourselves
In order to never feel second best

And maybe I just don't understand what a priority is
Because the examples I've been given
Don't make any fucking sense.